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October 1, 2018 • read
My problem was too small to see a therapist
A personal story from a Maple team member about their mental health journey, and how immediate access to therapy could have helped.
I ignored my demons.
Looking back, I realized that it wasn’t normal to be angry every day, to cry as often as I did, to neglect activities I once loved, or to starve myself of proper nutrition.
I was in a mental battle, but I still believed everything was fine. I was convinced that if I saw a therapist, I’d only waste their time.
You see, a person with depression wasn’t like me. At least that’s what I believed. I functioned like a ‘normal’ individual. I woke up in the mornings, took showers, and went about my day just like everyone else. I appeared fine, and that was the hardest part about seeking help.
Not only did I ignore the signs that signaled I wasn’t okay, everyone around me believed I was more than okay. In fact, they believed I was living my best life!
What I wanted the most during my darkest times was to simply express how I felt to someone; someone who wouldn’t judge me for feeling the way I felt.
My days in a mental battle
During the day, I went about my mundane daily routine that temporarily blocked my thoughts.
I was able to function ‘normally’ except everything around me seemed dull, and I felt lifeless.
At night, I battled with my internal self before falling to sleep.
Some nights were better than others, but most would leave me bawling my eyes out because of my thoughts.
“No one will ever want to be your friend.”
“You’re a failure.”
The mental battle went on like this day after day, and month after month. Too afraid to seek help because well, ‘I was fine.’
Looking back to that difficult time, perhaps if I wasn’t so reluctant to speak to a therapist, and if care had been as accessible as it is today, maybe I would have gotten help sooner. You have the right to immediately be heard and to get better, no matter your situation.